Why Your Team Sucks 2018: San Francisco 49ers

Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2018 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: San Francisco 49ers. Your 2017 record: 6-10, but oh my God you never heard people hype up a 6-10 record more than these fans. Those first nine straight losses still count, you assholes. You don’t get to burn those off the ledger just because you traded for Italian Clark Kent. Half the Niners’ wins last season came against the Giants, Bears, and Texans. But because San Francisco closed out the season winning six of seven with a new quarterback, people acted like this team deserved a wild card bid. Well, excuse me if I think your joyful optimism is obsce…

Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Denver Broncos

Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Denver Broncos. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: the Denver Broncos. THE FIGHTIN’ HORSIES! Your 2014 record: 12-4. Cue the snuff film… Your coach: Gary Kubiak. Wait, really? WHY? Listen, man: If you’re gonna fire John Fox and his entire staff (It was a good staff!) in a fit of rage, you better have a plan. You better come back to everyone with a reasonable replacement. You can’t trot out Gary fucking Kubiak and tell people it’s an improvement. Fox’s career record was 118–89 when he got shitcanned. Kubiak’s? 61–64. This is a scandal. This is John Elway using Fox as a scapegoat for Peyton Manning…

"A Neat Kid": Your Passive-Aggressive 2012 NBA Draft Scouting Roundup

The NBA draft is getting underway now, which means that it is time for our annual roundup of faint praise, backhanded compliments, and snickering passive-aggression directed at the gifted players about to become honest professionals. Players are listed in the order of Chad Ford's latest mock draft. 1. Anthony Davis, Kentucky "As he continues to fill out physically and adds bulk to his upper and lower body, Davis will likely have more success establishing position in the paint." (Draft Express) 2. Thomas Robinson, Kansas "I expected him to maybe have a shot at winning conference Player of the Year, I really did. … But the national Player of the Year attention that he's getting certainly would have been a dream, and I would have never anticipated that." (Bi…

The Great Qwest Field Beer Scandal Of 2011

Here's a video purporting to show that a "large" beer at Qwest Field is exactly the same amount as a "small," despite the $1.25 price difference. Drink up tomorrow, Seahawks fans. …

Pure Chaos at the White House After Mouse Falls On Peter Alexander

data-mm-id=”_4afl81d18″>Each and every day, scores of reporters head into the White House and try their damndest to make any semblance of sense as to what the hell is going on. The job has gotten very weird and way more adversarial under the current administration and press briefings have become a relic of the past.The room is still standing, though, and every now and again scribes find themselves in there to enjoy the spartan decor and empty lectern. But they shouldn't get too comfortable.Why? Because mice are literally falling from the ceiling. NBC News' Peter Alexander found this out the hard way.In other news: A mouse literally fell out of the ceiling in our White House booth and landed on my lap.— Peter Alexander (@PeterAlexander) October 1, 2019And here’s the video …

The Rams Should Have Dire Concern About Jared Goff

data-mm-id=”_dtf308gh5″>Here's a fun fact: You, the reader, and I, the blogger, have both thrown as many touchdown passes as Jared Goff in the month of November. That is to say, none! It was only 12 months ago that Goff was heralded as one of the young quarterbacks at the forefront of the position's youth movement. Now there's real reason to be concerned about his play not only over the last three games, but the whole season, and the Rams should be worried. Los Angeles signed Goff to a four-year contract extension worth $134 million over the offseason. It'll kick in starting next season as Goff's salary elevates from only $1 million to $10 million, and he's guaranteed $110 million over the course of the contract. It's the most guaranteed money out of …

Indiana and Archie Miller Score Huge Commitment from Guard Khristian Lander

data-mm-id=”_wxlhzkm41″>Khristian Lander is staying home. The top-rated point guard in the 2021 recruiting class committed to the Indiana Hoosiers Tuesday night over Louisville, Memphis and Michigan. That commitment gave Archie Miller yet another huge in-state recruiting win. The fact that Lander wants to reclassify and arrive on campus for the 2020-21 season makes this victory even sweeter for Miller & Co. I want to say thank you to all of the coaches that have ever recruited me and that have taken the time out their day to do so. This was a long thought out decision but I’ve decided on the college I will be attending …..STAYING HOME ⚪️? GO HOOSIERS pic.twitter.com/P0HgzBqUJg— Khristian Lander (@khristianlander) February 26, 2020When he got the Indiana job, Miller promi…

Cody Zeller Confirms Tom Crean Wanted Live Bats for Motivational Purposes at Indiana

data-mm-id=”_wqbknd0nv”>Cody Zeller was a guest on the Titus & Tate podcast this week and the former Indiana star confirmed one of the weirdest college basketball stories we've ever heard.For years rumors have persisted that during his time at Indiana, Tom Crean wanted his team managers to find a bat for him to use during a pregame speech. It sounded far too ridiculous to be true. Promoted by co-host Mark Titus, Zeller confirmed the rumors and told the backstory to the ridiculous request from his former head coach.Check it out:This is officially one of the wildest stories in college basketball ?@CodyZeller confirms that Tom Crean has tried some crazy motivation tactics thanks to the Harbaugh brothers ⬇️ pic.twitter.com/DdzlJThboF— FOX College Hoops (@CBBonFOX) May 7, 202…

Maybe It's Time For Dabo Swinney and Roger Goodell to Retire Their 'Football Matters' T-Shirts

data-mm-id=”_moxwsfwyg”>America is a little on edge right now. So you can understand why people might wonder what's up with Clemson coach Dabo Swinney wearing a shirt that says "FOOTBALL MATTERS" right now. It was probably nothing, but the fact that people saw it and wondered if it was something, well, it might matter.It appears the tweet was deleted. Here you go. pic.twitter.com/wwcuEWZ8dh— Elika Sadeghi (@elikasadeghi) June 6, 2020Football Matters is not a new thought for Swinney who said it multiple times in a speech at the South Carolina State House in 2017. Still, when a picture of Swinney wearing the shirt appeared online in June 2020, enough people wondered why that Clemson quarterback Trevor Lawrence jumped to Swinney's defense, saying he'd been weari…

L.A. Times 'Full-Court Text' Idea Could Go Sideways Very Easily

data-mm-id=”_wpfjswpui”>The Los Angeles Times has one reporter in the NBA bubble down in Orlando right now, Los Angeles Lakers beat writer Tania Ganguli. She will soon be joined by Los Angeles Clippers beat writer Dan Woike, who's slated to join his colleague for bubble life this month. Simultaneously, the Times will be launching a new program for fans of its coverage called Full-Court Text. The idea is relatively simple: fans send a text to a number, and are therefore signed up to receive regular updates, pictures, and videos from the service via Woike and Ganguli. Per the Times, as written by Woike: “We’re re-launching Full-Court Text with some big-time help from inside the NBA’s bubble in Orlando. Lakers beat writer Tania Ganguli is on the scene, probably behind a face cove…